Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find -- and Keep -- Love by Amir Levine, M. D., and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A.

The psychology nerd in me was drawn to this book immediately. My last semester of undergrad was punctuated by a research project that included surveying a sample of very horny and very uncommitted 18-24 year-olds and their attachment styles to their parental figures/guardians. What my group found was that many of the participants’ parental attachment styles paralleled the attachment styles of their current romantic relationships or situationships, and how they related to their parent/parents would show itself in how they related to their partner. Attached expands on this while concentrating mainly on the development of attachment styles solely with your romantic partner. It details what exactly constitutes a secure attachment style (gang gang), an anxious one, and an avoidant one, and how you can progress up the ladder to a secure attachment style from the other two (extremely useful).

One of my favorite excerpts from the book discusses why we are so likely to go back to what hurts us the most. The authors do a great job of explaining this in readable terms (i. e., they don’t use their fancy college degree jargon and they simplify the info in ways that make it easy to apply to everyday life). They talk about our attachment system (which is different from our attachment style) and how this system is programmed to soothe us in times of distress (no matter what our attachment style is). Our bodies, it turns out, are genetically programmed to do life with other people. We were like, literally designed to interact with others and share moments, mysteries, and passions with other people, no matter what those Buzzfeed quizzes tell you about how likely you are to be an introvert based on your cheese preferences. When we break up with our lover, our systems automatically go into distress mode and try to find the nearest and soonest way to ease our anxiety and help us to feel better. Unfortunately, this is mainly accomplished by returning to our safe haven (even if that safe haven cheated on us and never texted us back in a timely fashion). Our minds are trying to reconcile again with our genetic makeup — our purpose to be together in all ways. To do this, our minds break girl code and start to remind us of all of the good times we had with the culprit and highlights the ways that they made us feel loved, safe, and appreciated in an effort to get us to return back to them so that we can, as intended, do life together. Our minds play a highlight reel (Alexa, play Supercut by Lourde) of the blessed memories and totally discard the actions that caused us to feel hurt, betrayed, used, and taken advantage of. And we believe our minds… our lying, lying minds. We start to consider the culprit’s excuses and we feel all the good feelings again, and we text them (drunk or sober) in an attempt to feel important, needed, and less anxious. This doing is pervasive, no matter the attachment style that you identify with. It’s a fascinating excerpt, really, and it makes so much sense.

This book gives us more gems, too, like handy quizzes designed to help you figure out both yours and your partner’s attachment style, how to experience the holy grail of effective communication even if it’s just out of reach based on your attachment style, and storied examples of real people dealing with attachment issues and how they overcame them. It’s not only one of my favorites, but it’s also a keeper for reflective purposes for when you need to check and assess yourself during your journey of being emotionally honest and healthy.

Here it is on Amazon, and you can also find it at your favorite book brick and mortar, Barnes & Noble.

Read duration: You can easily read (and retain) this book in 3 weeks to a month, even with a busy schedule of taking care of your bunny rabbit and being under-appreciated and underpaid at work as I was.