Bad Feminist by Roxanne Gay.
This book is absolutely brilliant.
As a newly-minted feminist, this book feels like a big, reassuring hug that even though I may not be doing this thing correctly, my strides are necessary and important.
I identified with this book strongly, and it was sometime within the introduction that I realized that much like Roxanne Gay, I, too, am a bad feminist. I look at other women and think that I am not like them, that somehow my degrees and the consistency of my subject-verb agreement make me a different and better candidate for success in life and absence of trials. I look at social media caricatures like that one Armenian family that likes to appropriate black culture, the women who adopt different color weaves and lengthy eyelash extensions, the women who promote withholding sex until their partner buys them a trinket, and the likes, and I think that I am not like them. My difference — my preferences for staying in, turning off the tv for a book and notepad, white wine over Patrón — makes me better and more worthy of equal pay, a private elevator leading above the glass ceiling, and a round-table group that will not interrupt me when I speak. My comfort in these differences is why I chose to invest in this book, and I’m so glad that I did. I realized that no matter how much I identify with these differences, they do not exist to the patriarchal holds that still shape and employ the opportunities that are largely presented to me each day. The longer I fasten myself to these differences, the less impact I can make as a woman who is dedicated to demanding equality for women who do and do not look like me, act like me, think like me, who are not me. And that is what Bad Feminist so beautifully and candidly discusses.
I’ll give you some of my favorite moments from the introduction (just the introduction, so imagine how much better the entire book gets, pls) marked by the uneven underlining of my mechanical pencil:
“For whatever reason, we hold feminism to an unreasonable standard where the movement must be everything we want and must always make the best choices. When feminism falls short of our expectations, we decide the problem is with feminism rather than with the flawed people who act in the name of the movement.”
“We forget the difference between feminism and Professional Feminism.”
“I disavowed feminism because I had no rational understanding of the movement. I was called a feminist, and what I heard was, ‘You are an angry, sex-hating, man-hating victim lady person.’ This caricature is how feminists have been warped by the people who fear feminism the most, the same people who have the most to lose when feminism succeeds.”
“Feminism is a choice, and if a woman does not want to be a feminist, that is her right, but it is still my responsibility to fight for her rights. I believe feminism is grounded in supporting the choices of women even if we wouldn’t make certain choices for ourselves. I believe women not just in the United States but throughout the world deserve equality and freedom but know I am in no position to tell women of other cultures what that equality and freedom should look like.” (whew!)
“It was easy to embrace feminism when I realized it was advocating for gender equality in all realms, while also making the effort to be intersectional, to consider all the other factors of who we are and how we move through the world.”
“For years, I decided that feminism wasn’t for me as a black woman, as a woman who has been queer identified at varying points in her life, because feminism has, historically, been far more invested in improving the lives of heterosexual white women to the detriment of all others.” (-throws chair out window-)
“Feminism’s failings do not mean we should eschew feminism entirely. … We disavow the terrible things. We should disavow the failures of feminism without disavowing its many successes and how far we have come.”
“Feminism can be pluralistic so long as we respect the different feminisms we carry with us, so long as we give enough of a damn to try to minimize the fractures among us.”
“Feminism will better succeed with collective effort, but feminism success can also rise out of personal conduct.”
One of my favorite essays is titled “Not Here to Make Friends” which, amongst many amazing elements, details the concept of likability that is thrust on women, and the scam that it is. This essay reminds us of VH1’s hayday where they produced shows such as Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, and I Love Money (love means nothing to those at Viacom) in order to propel this notion that women love to bathe in a pool of angst, isolation, and differences in order to further progress themselves towards their goals — whether that be money or a man. (There is a direct link between my opening paragraph of this post and the fact that I watched all of the aforementioned shows in high school.). We revisit The Cool Girl towards the end of this essay, as well, with a nod to the brilliant excerpt from Gillian Flynn’s Gone Girl, where we’re now opened up enough to realize that unlikable women, like Amy in Gone Girl, are simply the women who do not care enough to be likable. And though that concept is simple in its construction, it’s much more complex in its understanding. Roxanne Gay is stunning in her delivery.
Elsewhere in the book, the myth of diversity in media is discussed, as well as Tyler Perry’s negative obsession with women who demand what they want, coming to terms with being a fat woman, and the notion of heroics in our present day.
It is an essential book, I believe, for all women to consume. It holds up a mirror and forces you to confront the ways that you have both consumed and regurgitated information — whether it be in the name of feminism or for the progression of your own agenda. It’s fascinating, really, how much you can grow from this book if you allow yourself to. It’s a great gift to give to yourself.
Read duration: I finished this book in a little over two weeks and was incredibly sad when it ended. It felt like a break-up.
Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Do yourself this favor and buy it!