You don't do it for me anymore!

I think there’s a very real and very warranted fear that we all possess when we think about having to start over with someone new. It’s uncomfortable to have to stretch a certain way again. To bend there, and there, and there. To break a little bit, both in your voice and in your resolutions. It’s like old iron water, you know, when you tell that secret again, when you go back to that moment, when you use that voice again. You’d reserved that voice and that story for the one who you knew was gonna stay this time. But there’s no guarantee that this one will stay, so you try again, and you trust again, and you try to use a different voice this time, but the inflection still sounds the same as when you first experienced the moment. But you use that voice to tell the story again. And you have a different hope this time. A different rising. A deference rising.

There is so much excitement in the way a new set of hands will hold your secrets. The way they embrace your previous arrangements, the way they caress your past decisions. That’s the beauty in it. That’s the beauty in starting over. The new way that they listen. You’ve never had your hand held in that way during that part of the story. This is the first time that a reassuring head nod felt like a hug from across the table. I think that’s what keeps me going these days. That’s what recharges me when I get exhausted at the thought of having to explain myself to another person. I think about the way he’ll nod his head when the last one didn’t. I think about the sympathy that’ll fill the silence that I can still hear after I opened up the last time. I can still hear the silence after I revealed my decision to the last one. It’s deafening, but there will always be more noise. There will always be another who can’t wait to clap for me, can’t wait to hear what I did afterwards. And that’s what’s most important for me to hold onto. That’s what’s most important for all of us to hold onto when we think about beginning again, I think. A new set of hands to clap for your conclusions. A new heart for you to rest in. A new mind to occupy. Something new, ya know. Something better.